What AM I thinking?

Yes, I am doing a race next weekend. Yes, Abi has started completely boycotting sleep this week. It started Tuesday night and has gotten progressively worse all week and weekend! To top that off, my athsma is back in full swing. What was I thinking? I was feeling great for a couple of weeks in a row, gained back some weight, been running and biking – and now – no sleep. Arrrgh.
Well, I suppose I will have to just do the best I can with what I have. That includes whatever amount of sleep I can muster up in the next week or so. I guess I just feel very discouraged, and selfish. Discouraged that I am not in total control (I never really was anyway, duh) and selfish for even signing up for the race in the first place.
I have been super excited about the race and been looking forward to it (it’s an on-road Duathlon) but the negative part of me says its really a waste of money and effort for me to keep trying to do this kind of stuff. I don’t have any particular talent, I just like doing it. Pushing myself is a passion I have always had, but maybe there is no good reason for it. At the same time, God made me this way – should I deny this part of who He made me to be? I could just run and bike at home by myself or with Abi and enjoy that, too. I don’t know what the positive side of me says right now because she is too dang tired!! Sorry for this post, but I just need to get this out of my head and into cyberspace….I’m going to go pray more and go to bed.

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6 responses to “What AM I thinking?

  1. Well, yes, you ARE going to have to do the best with the circumstances the way they are. Go, girl, that’s exactly what you are going to do!
    This feeling is shared among other mothers of all ages. We must be the women we are, and we also must be the best nurturers that human nature will allow us to be. So, get as much selfish sleep as you can, and accept it that anything faster than walking with grandma is going to be fast enough on that race. Remember, it’s you against you and just do your personal best for that day…it will help you feel better about the following week of motherhood, that you did something you wanted to do. God bless.

  2. I can sympathize with the lack of sleep, but not with the baby not sleeping… and just not having enough sleep myself drives me crazy! You will get through it all, you have been so strong. I think that the drive you have to accomplish something you like is really awesome, and you shouldn’t push it away even when you feel discouraged, because in my experience it just leads to more discouragement. I will pray for you that you can find some refreshing sleep this week, and I really hope you have fun at your race. 🙂

  3. I can’t relate just yet to the sleep deprivation, but I can relate to giving up doing things that I enjoyed and made me who I am for my current job. And let me tell you, it isn’t the way to go. So who cares if you don’t win 1st place, you are going to feel better looking back a day a week a month and knowing you did the race even with all the crap that is going on. Plus, Abi will someday think man my mom is cool for doing all these events and maybe she’ll do them with you too. Don’t get discouraged. God gave you a burning passion for this and I don’t think he intended for you to just hang it on the shelf becuase you aren’t getting gold medals. Try to get as much sleep as you can and go from there. One day at a time!

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